I haven’t posted on this thing in a long time.

I am still alive.

I am now a Senior. I also turned seventeen finally.
I’m currently employed at McDonalds. It’s kind of a crappy job, but it pays, and all of the people are really very nice.

My summer was really good. I spent a lot of time with Chase and Alicia, and a lot of other people that I normally do not get to see. I also went on a five day camping trip to North Carolina. That was okay. But I just went on a ten day trip to Las Vegas, L.A., Pismo Beach, and San Fransisco. It was really a lot of fun. I had a really good time.

I did not hang out with anyone from school at all this summer. I think that that was a good thing. I needed a break from all of the drama and pointless daily discussions. My school drives me insane. It’s not even the people that go there. It’s more like how the school is run, who its run by, and some of the people that are currently employed there. But it’s school. There really isnt a whole lot that I can do about it. Most of the people are actually decent, and those who aren’t I can still stand. I just don’t think that a lot of people in that school are being brought up the right way. I also think that the people in our school focus on the wrong things, like status, money, and who has the biggest house, or better car. It is seriously rediculous. But anyways. It’s school, and im just there to learn and graduate to move on to the better part of my life.

I have finally decided on my tattoos. I am getting two ravens, small ravens, with red eyes on each sideof my collar bone.One of them will have the name Newt above it, and the other will have Doug, for my grandfathers. I am getting ‘Marilyn’ in cursive on the back of my neck because Marilyn Monroe is like my idol. And last but not least, a very small crab tattooed on my ankel because it is my zodiac sign.
So ya I am deffinatly happy about figuring those out. I seriously thought about them for a long time. And they might seem stupid, or pointless to you, but all of them will mean something to me.

But anyways, more about me.
I will be very proud to say that on August 15th, 2006 (the second day of school) I will have been five months clean of drugs. I will always be a drinker, I’m Irish. I will be a smoker for now, I need it, but I WILL quit some day. I swear it.
Because of drugs I have had to experince some of the best, worst, and most terrifying moments of my life. They helped me when I needed them, they hurt me when I needed them, and they hurt me when I didn’t need them. I will never be able to say that I am not a addict. Nothing can change that. I am an adict, and I always will be. But I can stop. I can choose to not do them for the rest of my life because I know that I don’t need them to be able to get through things. I did it on my own and on my own standards. And because of that, I know I can do anything I want to if I just actually try.

To moce on to a different subject though my love life right now is becoming more complicated by the day. I like a lot of people right now. Three people to be exact. Rob, Brandon, and Eric. All three of them work at my work to, so that makes things a little more difficult.

Rob is one of the funniest people I have ever met. He’s extremely nice and he would do anything for you if you asked him. He’s his own person, he’s cute, and he seems like someone that I would have a lot in common with. BUT I don’t know him that well, we have never hung out, and I don’t know if he likes me. But he dose notice little things about me, like when I wear my hair different, and he said that I was a cutie. So maybe?
Brandon is a total sweetheart, very easy to talk to. One of the nicest kids I know. I hang out with him a lot, and I talk to him a lot on the computer and phone. He makes me laugh a lot, and we have held hands a couple times. He makes me feel important. BUT hes younger than me, and he seems a little bit to nice.
Eric. My god. Eric is the sexiest man I have ever met. He is very cute, had semi long georgous hair. We’ve been talking more and more, and he seems like he might be interested a little bit. BUT he is a little older than me (hes 21), is kind of quiet, and hes my manager.

I just dont know what to do. But i want someone so bad, i need that feeling of being wanted, and i need it to be more than someone saying it. I want to see it, to feel it, and to know and trust it.

I just dont know what to do with myself. I want to feel that connection with someone again. The way i felt with Justin. Alex was always my first love but Justin came so close to being the second. The way that me and him could hang out with the guys, with the girls, and also by ourselves, go places, stay in, mess around, and be completely wraped up in other, and still be best friends. We were open, and honest, we didnt lie, we fought, and laughed, we cryed and smiled. I was him, he was me, and we were both still each other. We were in love, but we were still best friends. We experienced everything together as if it were the first time for me, and it really was the first time for him. He was my everything, I couldnt breath without him. And when i lost him i almost died.
I have never found anyone who compares to him, and i know i shouldnt compare. But i want someone to be close to that. To be real with me like that. To know me like that. And to love me, like he did. I want to be someones world, and i want someone to be the world to me.

I know that relationships arent always the best thing, and that they arent what some people want, but i think that once in awhile you find that one person, that you know you want to spend the rest of your life with.
They dont have to make you or try to make you stay away from other people, but you control yourself, and keep yourself away from those other people because you cant see yourself being with anyone else except for that one person.
That your so in love that you dont need something else.
To live, breathe, and die for that one person because YOU want to.
Not because they want you to.



I keep myself in a box, a box that i never open up. But once in awhile that box gets so filled with emotions it just has to explode.
Im sorry that this was long but I thought that I would give you all an update.